Flatulence and other struggles of a soldier

Being a soldier isn’t easy. You have to face bombs and bullets. And even when you’re not in combat,Mre
danger lurks nearby, ready to pounce on you whenever you open a package of military food.

American soldiers often have to endure Meals, Ready-to-Eat (MREs), packages of food that are made to last three years and don’t require much preparation. According to The Smoking Gun, soldiers will be treated to a new line of MREs next year, developed partly from the feedback of 400 soldiers at Fort Greeley in Alaska. The comments below, from different soldiers, reveal just how tasty MREs are:

I believe it was the dinner meal (chicken and dumplings) that caused this, but it sounded like a flatulence symphony in my tent all night.

The "doughnut" is just a fudge brownie in a circle with crappy "frosting." What are you trying to pull?

This meal sucked! Do you even try this crap before you give it to us?

Oh my God, what were you thinking? Why stuffed cabbage? Wow, it was
horrible. I wanted to die. … Don’t ever give stuffed cabbage to a
soldier again. Even POW’s deserve better.

This new menu has me using the latrine 3x day.

Dairy shake tasted like medicine, please do not punish soldiers with that anymore.

The enchilada was a gift that keeps on giving: heartburn, indigestion, large amounts of gas.

American soldiers are used to searching for the enemy, but they hate
having to search for the meat. Vegetarian MREs just don’t cut it, as
far as they’re concerned.

Do not serve this meal ever again! As a matter of fact,
stop issuing vegetarian meals. No really, if you are going to serve
vegetarian, make them so that there is an alternative side dish, so if
some poor soul is unfortunate enough to draw one of these meals, he
won’t starve.


I’m not vegetarian.

The meal was pretty bad. Vegetarian meals should not be issued to soldiers.

The soldiers did have positive comments about some of the food, comments such as "the granola doesn’t suck too bad!" Actually, they seemed to like the granola, as well as the vanilla pudding.

The granola with milk and blueberries was good, just a little small.
Also, even in the harsh conditions of the field of combat, the way it
turned my mouth blue flooded my mind with childhood memories and for a
slight moment I was at peace.

The vanilla pudding is so good that I ripped it open, licked the inside and rolled around on top of it like a dog.

(Note: Soldiers’ comments were edited slightly for punctuation and clarity. See the original document at The Smoking Gun.)

If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

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