Keep your feet together, says the Ayatollah

Larry Craig is resigning from the U.S. Senate after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct in a MinneapolisBathroom
bathroom. The Idaho Republican was accused of soliciting sex from a man in the adjoining stall, a man who turned out to be an undercover police officer. The transcript of the interview between the officer, Sgt. Dave Karsnia, and Craig is rather revealing, especially when comments from Grand Ayatollah Khamenei-Brown of Minnesota are included.

Karsnia: How long do you think you stood outside the stalls?

Craig: Oh a minute or two at the most.

Ayatollah: Two minutes? Off with your head!

Karsnia: Okay. And when you went in the stalls, then what?

Craig: Sat down.

Ayatollah: You sat down? Off with your head!

Karsnia: Okay. Did you do anything with your feet?

Craig: Positioned them, I don’t know. I don’t know at the time. I’m a fairly
wide guy.

Ayatollah: Do you think I was born yesterday? Off with your head!

Karsnia: I understand.

Craig: I had to spread my legs.

Ayatollah: You spread your legs? Oh, the immorality! Off with your legs!

Karsnia: Okay.

Craig: When I lower my pants so they won’t slide.

Ayatollah: You lowered your pants? You are a perverted, depraved man. Off
with your head!

Karsnia: Okay.

Craig: Did I slide them too close to yours? Did I, I looked down once, your
foot was close to mine.

Ayatollah: Your foot was close to another man’s? Off with your foot!

Karsnia: Yes.

Craig: Did we bump? Ah, you said so, I don’t recall that, but apparently we
were close.

Ayatollah: Close? Off with your head!

Karsnia: Yeah, well your foot did touch mine, on my side of the stall.

Craig: All right.

Ayatollah: No, all wrong! Off with your head!

Karsnia: Okay. And then with the hand. Urn, how many times did you put your
hand under the stall?

Craig: I don’t recall. I remember reaching down once. There was a piece of
toilet paper back behind me and picking it up.

Ayatollah: You picked up something with your hand? Off with your hand!

Karsnia: Okay. Was your palm down or up when you were doing that?

Craig: I don’t recall.

Karsnia: Okay. I recall your palm being up. Okay.

Craig: All right.

Ayatollah: No, all wrong! It is wrong to have your palm up in a bathroom
stall. Off with your palm!

Karsnia: When you pick up a piece of paper off the ground, your palm would
be down, when you pick something up.

Craig: Yeah, probably would be. I recall picking the paper up.

Karsnia: And I know it’s hard to describe here on tape but actually what I
saw was your fingers come underneath the stalls, you’re actually ta touching
the bottom of the stall divider.

Ayatollah: Your fingers were under the stall? Off with your fingers!

Craig: I don’t recall that.

Karsnia: You don’t recall.

Craig: I don’t believe I did that. I don’t.

Karsnia: I saw, I saw.

Craig: I don’t do those things.

Ayatollah: Those things are wrong. This is America,
not one of those liberal Middle Eastern countries. Off with your head!

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

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