Sewing their mouths shut

You know what’s wrong with the world? The wrong people are sewing their lips together.Naipaul

LA PAZ (Reuters) –
Prostitutes in the Bolivian city of El
Alto
sewed their lips together on Wednesday as part of a hunger
strike to demand that the mayor reopen brothels and bars
ordered closed after violent protests by residents last week. [Link]

Here are just five people whose lips I’d like to sew together:

1. V.S. Naipaul. The Nobel laureate is a great writer (the greatest writer in the history of the world, if you ask him), but also attracts controversy as easily as mud attracts children. Invite him to speak at a conference and he’ll do his best to offend everyone, to speak ill of other writers, to bash Islam and his motherland, to make sure that everyone knows he’s the greatest living writer, even if half the audience wishes the middle part weren’t true.

2. Rosie O’Donnell. Oprah Winfrey may have the highest rated talk show in the history of television, but O’Donnell still reigns as the Queen of Talk. And while I generally agree with her political views, I’d still like to sew her mouth shut and give some much-needed help to her brain, which has been struggling for years to keep up with her lips.

3. Terrell Owens. He’s the star wide receiver for the Dallas Cowboys, a man with such a big mouth, he’s been known to catch balls with it. He’s a great football player, but he’d be even greater if he didn’t suffer from foot-in-mouth disease.

4. Bill O’Reilly. I don’t watch him anymore — mercifully, my cable company has spared me the "fair and balanced" channel — but the right-wing talk show host’s words still echo in my head. I’d love to sew his lips together, but considering how vigorously he moves them, I’m not sure that would do the trick. I might need to use Super Glue. A whole tube of it, I’m sure.

5. George Bush. Did you really think I’d spare him? If I sewed his lips together, we wouldn’t have to hear words such as "nucular" and "misunderestimate" — or even "axis of evil" and "mission accomplished." But I have a feeling the Secret Service won’t let me within 100 feet of him with my needle and thread, so I’m just going to have to enlist Laura. It’s a wife’s job, after all, to needle her husband.

If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

Comments

  1. Amen to points 2,4,5
    Especially to point 4
    Right-wing Condescending Bag of Fart+ Vommit.
    I do not know why they even let that piece of turd on the air.
    Anyways Nice post as always mr.Melvin
    Just found your web-site and must say you have some very fascinating anecdotes.

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