Bicycle questions we never asked before

A strange crime in Britain has me asking a question I’ve never pondered before: Is it okay to have sexBike
with a bicycle? It’s obviously not normal, but should it also be illegal? Should we really care what a man and his bicycle do to each other in the privacy of their home?

The case of a man convicted of simulating sex with his bicycle has sparked a
debate about human rights and the privacy of an individual.

Internet message boards have been buzzing with comment about the case of Robert Stewart, 51, from Ayr.

He was reported by cleaners at a hostel who unlocked his door and found him engaged in a sex act with his bike.

Stewart was put on the Sex Offenders’ Register, which some posters said was an over-reaction by the sheriff.

Stewart admitted a sexually aggravated breach of the
peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex.
As well as being put on register for three years, he was put on
probation for the same length of time. [Link]

He was put on the Sex Offenders’ Register? That’s pretty harsh punishment, especially in a country that, last I checked, wasn’t being ruled by an Ayatollah.

Just think what will happen to Stewart when he moves to a new neighborhood. Everyone will be concerned about having a registered sex offender around. "Oh no," they’ll say, "we need to protect our bicycles from him. We can’t leave them outside anymore." Stewart will have to be careful whenever someone rides past him, otherwise he might get scolded: "Hey, don’t look at my bicycle that way!"

This case raises several other important questions:

Is it time to create a support group for bicycles? Or should we just offer them counseling?

Until what age should a bicycle be considered a minor?

Do we need to send petitions to Borders and other bookstores, urging them to move Bicycle Magazine to the same shelf as Playboy?

Should the government create more laws to address this issue, such as a law requiring all bicycles to be fully clothed?

Photo by Seadling

If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through and You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

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