The bills keep shooting up

There are many types of dads, and I’m proud to say that I’m not the type of dad who lectures his kidsWater Humor Column2 every time they leave the lights on in their room (or water running in the bathroom) one second longer than necessary. Just ask my kids and they’ll tell you that I don’t believe in giving them lectures, not when screaming will do.

Actually, I don’t really scream at them. It’s far more effective to threaten them. No, not with violence -– with violin. “You’d better turn the lights off right now or I’m going to ask the 7-year-old boy next door to come over and play his violin for you.”

It works like a charm. The kids dash around the house, turning off every light and electrical appliance while screaming, “Not the violin! Please, not the violin!”

Threatening them like this may seem cruel to you, but please don’t report me to the authorities. I don’t want to look like a hypocrite, especially since I’m a big supporter of the “National Campaign Against Domestic Violins.”

In an ideal world, I wouldn’t need to worry about the electricity bill. But I have an 8-year-old daughter named Lekha who thinks it’s her duty as the oldest child to turn the lights on every time she enters a room, even if it’s the middle of the afternoon, the curtains are drawn and so much sunlight is coming through the windows that her 4-year-old brother, Rahul, is wearing shades. And her mother is urging the entire family to sit beside the window, because we apparently don’t get enough Vitamin D.

I’ve tried to talk to Lekha in a calm, rational manner, but it just doesn’t work. The moment I mention the word “electricity,” she’s confused.

“Elect whom? I can’t even vote.”

“Electricity! Electricity!”

“Have we been there?”

“Been where?”

“To Electri City?”

“No, we haven’t been there. But if we can’t pay our bills, you might have to visit Atro City and Adver City.”

It’s tough to explain some concepts to an 8-year-old, but just try explaining things to a 6-year-old named Divya who loves to keep the fridge door open, while she stands there and contemplates what to have for a snack and whether there’s any possibility her mother will say “no” to the question “Pretty Mommy, may I please have some ice-cream?”

It’s up to me, of course, to explain to her why she shouldn’t keep the fridge open and why it’s more effective to begin her question with the words “Handsome Daddy.”

“Divya, you’re letting out all the cold air.”

“It wants to get out, Daddy. How would you like to be in the fridge all day?”

“Are you going to set the bean sprouts free too? Please do. I won’t tell Mommy.”

“Okay, but I think the ice cream wants to get out too. Can we please set it free, handsome Daddy?”

Just in case my daughters aren’t doing enough to hike the utility bills, I can always count on their brother, who loves to keep the water running in the bathroom, while he watches it with the fascination of a tourist looking at the Niagara Falls.

It’s up to me to point out that water isn’t free.

“But Daddy, what about the rain?”

“Rain is free, Rahul, but we pay for this water.”

“Do we pay for arguing too?”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I heard Mommy saying to you, ‘If you keep arguing with me, you’ll pay for it tonight.’”

“Yes, we pay for that too,” I say, realizing that while the utility bills may be high, they’re never quite as high as the arguing bill.

Photo by Rob Stites

If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

Comments

  1. Anto Giscard says:

    Good one..enjoyed reading..

  2. Manoharan says:

    Melvin,
    You never fail to amaze us with such funny stuff.
    “Paying for tonite” is a real killer !!!!
    Wonder why you missed out on the horrific energy wastages committed by the mother/father in laws…..it would be a great and hilarious read.
    Regards
    Manoharan,Malaysia
    Thanks

  3. Michelo says:

    like this line..
    ““Divya, you’re letting out all the cold air.”
    “It wants to get out, Daddy. How would you like to be in the fridge all day?”.
    very sweet.. keep it up man and God bless you

  4. Enjoyed the post! Thanks.

  5. govardhan says:

    good fun keep it up

  6. Hey Melvin,
    Love your blog! I’m intending to both write a short online book and start up an online e-zine, and a lot of your stuff seems so valid to the things I want to talk about. May I use your content?
    I’d like to develop some re-motivational stuff (reverse motivational, or demotivational, for the uninitiated) in my upcoming book, and quite a bit of stuff you write can be so relevant, worldwide!
    Like Manoharan, I too am from Malaysia – and my views are Malaysians could use some intelligent prodding via satire from the likes of you!

  7. you are the greatest
    I have read your stuff for over 4 years now ,a friend from Nigeria told me about you and signed me up
    you are cool
    Keep it up
    Dawit

  8. Muthukumaran says:

    I know your blogs for couple of years now. Whenever I am bored your blogs lend a helping hand as stress-busters. Keep writing, we expect you to do so 🙂

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