Three steps to get rid of bed bugs

Bed bugs are showing up everywhere –- in homes, hotels and even planes –- and if you don’t watch out, HumorColumn you may find yourself as angry as the single middle-aged Toronto woman who thought she was hearing good news when a fortune teller told her, “You’ll never be alone in bed again.”

The bed bug population in North America is rising as fast as the unemployment rate, which means that if you don’t have a job, you can’t just lie in bed. And if you think bed bugs are a pain, wait until you meet sofa bugs.

Wherever you encounter them, they’re likely to give you itchy restless nights.  BedBugs

“I woke up to find a dozen bite marks on my back,” said a 20-year-old New York woman. “My doctor says it’s either bed bugs or Marv Albert.”

“They’re all over my bed!” said a college student in Pennsylvania. “I wish I hadn’t gotten a tattoo that says, ‘Bite me.’”

“I hate all the bed bugs in hotel rooms!” tweeted a professional basketball player. “How’s a guy supposed to have an affair?”

“Too much scratching going on,” he later tweeted. “Not the bed bugs –- my wife just scratched out my eyes.”

Once you have bed bugs, it can be really tough to get rid of them. The first step, of course, is to make sure you have bed bugs and not some other critters. Just examine the bite marks on your body. Bed bugs like to leave small red dots close to each other and if you connect the dots, you will see a picture of Muammar Gaddafi. (If you see a picture of Barack Obama, you do not have bed bugs. You have democ rats.)

The next step is a drastic one. Take all your furniture outdoors, spread it around and put up a large sign that says “Yard Sale.” Make sure you warn potential buyers about the bed bug infestation by displaying messages such as “All sales final” and “All items sold as is.”

If you don’t attract enough buyers, you might want to put up a more enticing sign: “Moving Sale.” (Just don’t tell them who’s moving.)

The final step is to deal with any bed bugs that are still hiding in your house. The best way to do this, most experts agree, is to blast them ruthlessly with one or two Justin Bieber songs. The bed bugs will rush out of their hiding places –- and so will any teen-aged girls. Smack them with an old magazine (the bugs, not the girls).

If you’re unable to get rid of all your bed bugs, try to look on the bright side. Strangers will be reluctant to enter your home, so you won’t have to worry about crime. Just ask the 40-year-old accountant in Seattle. “I got rid of my lazy, good-for-nothing dog,” he said. “Instead, I put up a sign that says ‘Beware of the Bed Bugs.’ Everyone has been staying away, even my mother-in-law.”

In some cases, bed bugs can even invigorate your love life. Just ask the 80-year-old man in the Atlanta retirement home. “Nothing was happening between my wife, Mildred, and I until last Saturday,” he said. “Then, in the middle of the night, I heard her say, ‘Oh Harold, it’s been so long since you nibbled my ear.’”

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Bala tiny If you enjoyed this column, you'll love Melvin's humourous novel "Bala Takes the Plunge," available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

Comments

  1. WHEN I WAS A CHILD EACH SUMMER GRANDMOTHER WOULD TAKE THE MATRESSES OUT ON THE POURCH AND BEAT IT, THEN COME INSIDE, ROLLED UP SOME NEWSPAPERS AND LIGHT IT UP WITH A MATCH AND BURN AROUND ALL THE SPRINGS IN THE FRAME. WE’D GO TO MOVIES AND GET EATEN ALIVE TOO…BUT YOU HAD TO STAY OR LOSE YOUR INVESTMENT ON THE SHOW. I THOUGHT IT WAS ALL OVER BUT I FOUND OUT THAT DRUG MFGS SAVED THEM FOR THE RIGHT TIME AND LOTS OF NEW DRUG SALES.

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