Taking action against high gas prices

Now that President Obama has taken care of Osama bin Laden, it’s time for him to do something about HumorColumn rising gas prices. All the conventional methods have failed, so Obama needs to do something drastic: send a team to “negotiate” with oil company executives. I suggest Navy SEAL Team Six.

I hope to turn on my TV one of these days and see Obama making an important announcement again:

“Good evening. Tonight, I can report to the American people and to the world that the United States has Obama Speech conducted an operation that killed the wanton greed of Exxon Mobil, British Petroleum and Chevron, as well as oil companies in the Middle East. Together, these companies are responsible for millions of sad faces at fuel pumps around the world.

It was nearly 130 years ago that the first gasoline-powered automobiles were produced in Germany, with Henry Ford and other Americans introducing their own versions not long after. Little did they know that when they gave up on horse-drawn carriages in the name of progress, their descendants were doomed to stare at gas-pump prices with faces as long as horses’.

Over the last 10 years, we have seen gas prices gradually inch upwards, and we have scratched our heads to try to understand many of these increases. It was reasonable, the experts told us, that gas prices would increase when we went to war in Iraq. But my fellow Americans, was it reasonable that gas prices would increase when Oprah went on a diet? Was it reasonable that gas prices would increase when David Beckham got a new tattoo? Was it reasonable that gas prices would increase when Angelina Jolie got a new baby?

Of course not! But these were some of the many excuses for oil company executives to increase prices and boost their profits, while laughing at us for not only paying high prices at the gas pumps but also doing all the pumping ourselves. And so shortly after taking office, I directed Leon Panetta, the director of the CIA, to make the killing of oil company greed the top priority of our war against high gas prices, even as we continued our broader efforts to disrupt, dismantle and defeat their evil network.

Then, last August, after years of painstaking work by our intelligence community, I was briefed on a possible solution to high gas prices. It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground. I met repeatedly with my national security team as we developed more information about the possibility that we could corner oil company executives within a compound deep inside of Pakistan. And finally, last week, I determined that we had enough intelligence to take action, and authorized an operation to surround oil company executives in Pakistan and scare the living daylights out of them.

Today, at my direction, the United States launched a targeted operation against that compound in Abbottabad, Pakistan. A small team of Americans carried out the operation with extraordinary courage and capability. No Americans were harmed. They took care to avoid civilian casualties. After a firefight, they killed oil company greed and gave it a quick burial at sea.

Yet its death does not mark the end of our effort. There’s no doubt that oil companies will continue to pursue attacks against us and our wallets. We must — and we will — remain vigilant at gas pumps at home and abroad.

The cause of protecting our country from high gas prices is not complete. But tonight we are once again reminded that America can do whatever we set our mind to, even bring gas prices down to 10 cents a gallon.

Let us remember that we can do these things not just because of wealth or power, but because of who we are: one nation, under God, indivisible, with liberty, justice and low gas prices for all.

Thank you. May God bless you. And may God bless the United States of America.”


Bala tiny If you enjoyed this piece, you’ll love Melvin’s humourous novel “Bala Takes the Plunge,” available in North America through McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. Read the latest reviews here and an excerpt here.

If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.


  1. You should have NSFW warnings for laughing out loud before posting these things. Hilarious

  2. Ooops, You missed it on this one, Melvin. Yeah, the oil companies raked the profits, but guess who generated them? A totally made up agency designed to make money for a group of traders, in a little city called Chicago — the futures market.

  3. 6% profits? Yup, you missed it on this one; the futures market together with US regulations being to blame. If we were pumping our own oil out of the ground with enough refineries to process it, there would be plenty at reasonable prices…

  4. Thanks, Dr. Mosi.
    Rob and Brian, there are obviously many factors determining the price of gas, but the oil companies, especially the state-owned ones in the Middle East, do exert a lot of influence on the price.

  5. Buddy Misasi says:

    Gas prices tend to be at the highest these days, i seriously hope that the gas prices will be reduced as the economoy and also financial crisis improves..

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