Watch out for falling objects

If you’re planning to go for a walk –- and I strongly advise against this –- you might want to keep your eyes up. You never know what might fall on you: apples, frogs, Russian space crafts. Yes, it’s a HumorColumndangerous world out there and the best thing you can do is stay indoors. If you absolutely have to go outside, follow my example and say a prayer: “Dear God, if you must drop something on my head, let it be hair. My bald spot isn’t getting any smaller.”

Apples may seem like harmless objects, but not when they’re dropping from the sky, as they recently did in Coventry, England. More than 100 apples fell on a main road in the village of Keresley, forcing drivers to slam their brakes. They were lucky they weren’t walking. An apple a day may keep the doctor away, as the old saying goes, but 100 apples will surely bring him.

Doctor: “What happened, Mrs. Smith? Why do you have all those bumps on your head?” Falling apples

Mrs. Smith: “It’s my son-in-law’s fault. I was walking to the Pension Service to discuss my housing benefits and my son-in-law said, ‘Good luck, Mum! I hope your visit will be very fruitful.’”

Officials in Coventry are trying to figure out where the apples came from. One theory is that they were swept up from an orchard by a tornado and dropped on the road, but Keresley parish councillor Sandra Camwell has a more logical explanation: witches.

“We’re in an area with a spooky history, where there have been witches for centuries, after all,” she told The Telegraph.

If it were just apples falling from the sky, we wouldn’t have too much to worry about. In fact, we might pray that more apples fall, especially in parts of the world where people would lie on their backs and open their mouths wide.

London man: “Yes!!! That apple just saved me a lot of money!”

Tourist: “But you didn’t even eat it.”

London man: “Eat it? Are you bonkers? Why would I eat it? I just wanted it to knock out my loose tooth, so I wouldn’t have to pay the dentist.”

Unfortunately it’s more than just apples falling from the sky.  Just ask anyone who follows the news closely and they’ll tell you about the thousands of frogs that fell in Odzaci, a small town in northwestern Serbia, in 2005, or the hundreds of fish that fell in Lajamanu, a town in Australia’s northern territory, in 2010.

“When I told my family, who live in another part of Australia, about the fish falling from the sky, they thought I’d lost the plot,” a woman named Christine Balmer told The Daily Mail. “But no, I haven’t lost my marbles. All I can say is that I’m thankful that it didn’t rain crocodiles!”

Raining frogs and fish is bad enough, although you might get a meal out of them. But here’s a warning: if something falls out of the sky, make sure you identify it before you put it in your mouth and start chewing. Even if it looks like a real fish, you should always turn it around to see if you can spot the words “Made in China.”

Experts believe that the frogs and fish were swept up by tornadoes or sucked up in a storm, but how do they explain what happened in Kentucky in 1876? Pieces of meat as large as three or four square inches fell from the sky into someone’s yard. According to The New York Times, “two gentlemen, who tasted the meat, express the opinion that it was either mutton or venison.”

I don’t know about you, but if chunks of meat fell from the sky into my yard, I wouldn’t be tasting it. I’d be running through the streets screaming, “Witches! Witches!”

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

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