What the Boston Marathon Doesn’t Test for

The top finishers at the Boston Marathon are tested randomly for steroids such as THG (Tetrahydrogestrinone), hormones such as HGH (human growth hormone) and almost anything else that gives athletes an unfair advantage. But nobody tests them for something scientists have identified as AKB, which appears to give them the biggest advantage that any marathoner can have.

AKB is so effective, so potent, that you don’t need to see the official results of the Boston Marathon to be almost certain that the winners have AKB coursing through their veins. I’m referring, of course, to Authentic Kenyan Blood.

At this year’s Boston Marathon, in the men’s division, the top three finishers all had AKB. In fact, five of the top six finishers had AKB and I have a strong suspicion that Jason Hartmann, the American runner who finished in fourth place, recently had a transfusion of AKB.

I know how effective AKB can be, because I once had a transfusion of AKB myself. As a result, I managed to improve my personal best time in the one-mile run by a full minute. It helped, of course, that there was a tall man running after me, shouting, “Hey, come back. You forgot to pay me for my blood.”

Luckily, he couldn’t catch up with me, as I had fooled him into trying some AIB (Authentic Indian Blood). You’ll be glad to know that he’s still into running. Last I heard, he was running a motel in Georgia.

In case you still doubt the potency of AKB, here’s more proof from this year’s Boston Marathon: In the women’s division, the top three finishers all had AKB. In fact, five of the top six finishers had AKB, and Firehiwot Dado, the fourth-place finisher, had something that’s almost as effective: AEB (Authentic Ethiopian Blood). If you’re a marathon runner and can’t get yourself some AKB, the next best thing is AEB. Two of the last 10 men’s winners had AEB. The other eight had AKB. Do you need any more proof?

“The sports governing bodies need to look into this,” said Dr. Samuel Banda, a substance abuse expert. “Obviously some people are lucky enough to be born with AKB and we can’t do anything about that. Take President Obama, for example. The man can’t stop running, whether he’s running for the Senate, running for the White House or just running his mouth. It’s in his blood.”

Banda is concerned about all the marathon runners who don’t naturally have AKB. “They may get a transfusion of AKB – or even worse, they may get themselves some SKB (Synthetic Kenyan Blood). We don’t know how safe that is.”

AKB and SKB don’t have the same effect, Banda said. If you get a transfusion of SKB, you’ll be able to run a little faster. If you get AKB, you’ll be able to run a little faster and you’ll also be able to speak a few words of Swahili.

That explains why, after my transfusion, I found myself saying “hakuna matata” a lot. (Or maybe it was because I had just watched The Lion King.)

I wondered how Kenyan runners feel about AKB, so I interviewed four-time Boston Marathon winner Robert Kipkoech Cheruiyot.

Me: “First let me congratulate you on Kenya’s dominance at the Boston Marathon!”

Cheruiyot: “Dominance? How can you call it dominance? We allowed three other runners to get into the Top Ten. And one of them, Jason Hartmann, was celebrating like a champion at the finish line, saying he had won the Boston Marathon’s Non-Kenyan Division!”

Me: “Perhaps he had some AKB in him.”

Cheruiyot: “No, you can’t win with just AKB. You need to train hard and you need to be blessed with slow twitch muscle fibers.”

Me: “Slow twitch muscle fibers? I’ve never heard of them.”

Cheruiyot: “They’re very important. They help you run long distances.”

Me: “Really? I didn’t know that. Tell me something, Robert, do you know where I can buy some AKSTMF (Authentic Kenyan Slow Twitch Muscle Fibers)?”

Photo of Cheruiyot by George Roberts

If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

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