Poor Melania: She didn’t know

Poor Melania. She didn’t know what she was getting into when she married a real estate tycoon named Donald. When he said he was going Melvin Durai's Humorto “make a bid for the White House,” she thought he was going to buy it.

Poor Melania. She didn’t know what Donald meant when he said, “How would you like to be First Lady?” melania
“But I’m already Third Lady,” she replied. “Ivana was first and Marla was second.”

Poor Melania. When she married a billionaire, she didn’t think she’d have to make speeches at the Republican National Convention. At the most, she thought there’d be a tastefully done centerfold in Conservative Digest.

Poor Melania. She didn’t realize that the words she spoke at the convention were not her own. She believed Donald when he said, “These are now your words, Melania. We paid good money for them.”

Poor Melania. She didn’t mean to steal Michelle Obama’s words. If she was going to steal words from a First Lady, she would have chosen someone such as Mary Todd Lincoln, whose speeches aren’t on YouTube.

Poor Melania. She wanted to make quotation marks in the air with her fingers, but she was afraid that people might think she was showing the peace symbol.

Poor Melania. English isn’t her native tongue. If she could have given the speech in Slovenian, no one would have known whose words she was speaking.

Poor Melania. When she told NBC that she wrote the speech herself “with as little help as possible,” it was absolutely true, just as it’s true that she has maintained her natural beauty at age 46 “with as little cosmetic procedures as possible.”

Poor Melania. The Democrats think she was lying, but she was just doing what she has seen Donald do many times: fibbing.

Poor Melania. She thought plagiarism was wrong, but only for Liberals. She overheard one speechwriter say to another, “Please try not to plagiarize liberally.”

Poor Melania. When she married a billionaire, she thought she was going to spend her nights with Champagne, not on a campaign. She married Donald because he was the first man who appreciated her for more than just her beauty. “You’re the total package, Melania,” he said. “Beautiful face, fantastic body, superb taste in men.”

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If you enjoyed this piece, you'll love Melvin's novel Bala Takes the Plunge, available in North America through Amazon.com and McNallyRobinson.com You can also find it at major bookstores in India and Sri Lanka or online at FlipKart, IndiaPlaza, FriendsofBooks or other sites. A number of readers have written reviews of the novel. An excerpt of the novel can be read here.

Comments

  1. lawrencechanin says:

    Melvin,

    I’ve been reading your humour columns on-line for what? 15 years?
    You are the best humour columnist in Canada. If you’re still in Canada.
    Josh Freed used to be the best. But he got seriously decadent.
    The G & M or Toronto Star should have you as their regular weekly humour columnist
    How have you managed to remain a complete unknown? When you should be rich and famous..
    But now it’s “No humour in business hours” (And it’s always business hours).
    Even worse, there’s “No laughing in war time (And it’s always war time).

    Keep up the excellent work.
    We shall overcome someday.

    Cheers,
    Lawrence Chanin

  2. Her “I have a dream speech” was especially moving.

  3. There’s no snickering in front of the customers (And all people are customers).

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