Memo to Staff: Please Get Some Work Done

To: All staff From: Company president Subject: Low productivity It has come to my attention that productivity has dropped drastically since Thursday, June 14th. I’m not sure what’s going on, but please be assured that I’m monitoring the situation closely and will suspend or terminate employees who aren’t pulling their own weight. For the company […]

The Pakistani Man who Flew the Indian Flag

A Pakistani man named Umar Draz was arrested recently for hoisting the Indian flag on his roof. According to a Reuters report, Draz has been charged under the Pakistan Penal Code and could face up to 10 years in prison for what police describe as an “anti-state” act and what I describe as a “cool-dude” […]

Please Don’t Give Me a Participation Trophy

A football player named James Harrison recently expressed his opposition to participation awards after his two sons, aged 6 and 8, returned home from a sports camp with trophies. “While I am very proud of my boys for everything they do . . . these trophies will be given back until they EARN a real […]

India’s Economic Boom During Cricket World Cup

Cricket is the No. 1 sport in India by a wide margin. In fact, if you were to rank the popularity of sporting events in India, it would be something like this: (1) men’s cricket; (2) boy’s cricket; (3) women’s cricket; (4) wheelchair cricket; and (5) monkeys trained to play cricket. It shouldn’t be surprising, […]

Sachin Tendulkar: The Best Kind of Fame

Sachin Tendulkar is one of the greatest cricket players ever, a titan of his sport. But poor Maria Sharapova had never heard of him, never heard of a man who is so beloved in India, he could endorse a brand of darkness cream and millions of people would buy it. The Russian tennis star had […]

Human Bites: Our Primate Connection

FIFA, football’s governing body, recently imposed a four-month ban on Uruguay striker Luis Suarez for biting an Italian opponent, Giorgio Chiellini, during a World Cup match. It was the third biting incident in Suarez’s career and shocked soccer fans. Many of them believed that Suarez deserved a lifetime ban, but FIFA took two important factors […]

Five Reasons to Love the World Cup

If you haven’t been following the 2014 FIFA World Cup in Brazil, you may be wondering what all the excitement is about. Let me put it in just a few words: another excuse to drink beer. The amount of beer consumed during the World Cup is roughly equal to the amount of water in the […]

India Enjoys Most Successful Olympic Games Ever

India is basking in the glory of its most successful Olympics campaign ever, with four of its athletes going home with bronze medals, two with silver medals, and one with Usain Bolt’s autograph. India’s Sports Minister Ajay Maken congratulated the Olympic team on their “super success” at the London Olympics. “At a single Olympics, you […]

London Olympics will answer many questions

The London Olympics are finally here, and if you’re like me, you’re eager to get answers to some burning questions — questions such as: Who will win the gold medal in synchronized underwater table tennis? Who will finish higher on the medal table — the People’s Republic of Korea or Michael Phelps? Who will win […]

What the Boston Marathon Doesn’t Test for

The top finishers at the Boston Marathon are tested randomly for steroids such as THG (Tetrahydrogestrinone), hormones such as HGH (human growth hormone) and almost anything else that gives athletes an unfair advantage. But nobody tests them for something scientists have identified as AKB, which appears to give them the biggest advantage that any marathoner […]